Erik and Raoul vs Walmart: The Epic Battle
by Cold Toenails
Summary: A completely stupid and random story dedicated to my beta. After Christine runs out of shampoo and her hair is in grave danger she sends Erik and Raoul to WalMart to buy her a new bottle. Will they make it out alive?
1. Act the First

**This is a Phantom of the Opera story I wrote for my friend, phantomphan1992. It's set in the year 2007 because we have Wal-Mart's. If you don't like completely random stories, swearing, and bizarreness I suggest you turn back now. NOW! Those of you brave and, or, stupid enough to stay, all I can say to you is, have fun.**

* * *

It was a bright and sunny morning. The birds were singing happy tunes outside of a window. Inside one a bedroom of a snappy little apartment slept a dark haired girl. Her name was Christine and she was very happy to be alive this morning. Well, that is until she went into her bathroom to get ready for the day.

A loud scream pierced the quiet morning air. Erik and Raoul, whom had been forced to share a room, looked at the door. "Christine!" the yelled in unison. Erik came out of the closet, feeling rather naked with out a cloak, and ran out the door. Raoul was in so much of a hurry to beat him there he forgot that he was sitting on the top bunk of their bunk bed and he crashed onto the floor. But he wasn't hurt very much. That was because he was protected by the power of love.

* * *

They ran across the wooden floor, pushing each other back to get to Christine, who was still screaming. "Christine!" Erik threw open the door. Sadly, it was the door to a closet. "Fuck! Not again!" He had to beat Raoul to Christine. Raoul was already almost there. "No, stop you fiend!" Raoul turned around to face Erik. He stuck his tongue out.

Raoul was about to stop at the door, but his legs kept moving. I knew I shouldn't have gotten the floor waxed, he said to himself as he slid along the floor. He passed the door and ran into a fall. As Raoul picked himself up from the ground, he saw that stupid phantom was going to beat him to Christine. "Erik, help me!" he yelled over Christine's shrieks. He held his hand out. "We should go together just incase if it's something bad." Erik thought about this, but then nodded and went over to help Raoul.

"Now I can beat him to Christine! That fool! Is he that stupid to fall into my trap?" Raoul thought out loud. "God my face fucking hurts. Is my nose bleeding?"

Erik punched Raoul square in the nose. "It is now."

"What was that for?"

"You told me your plan, you idiot."

Raoul swore to himself. "You weren't supposed to hear that! That was supposed to be a soliloquy!"

* * *

Erik did beat Raoul to the door, but it was only by like one third of a second (Well, that's what Raoul said). "Christine, what's wrong?"

Christine stopped screaming. "My hair! Look at it!" Christine exclaimed in distressed voice. Strangely, her voice wasn't cracked after all of her screaming.

"Why, what's wrong it?"

"Look at it!" There was something wrong with it. All of Christine's curls were limp and icky like an over used bathroom mat. "It's hideous!"

"You can never be hideous."

"Thank you Raoul." Raoul smiled smugly. Erik glared at him. "And I am out of shampoo! What ever shall I do?" Christine thought about this. "I know. Since you two are staying here for free and I am paying all of the rent, then one of you can go buy me a new bottle of shampoo."

"I'll go!"

"No, pick me! I love you more!"

"You do not!"

The boys began to argue who loved Christine more. Christine started to get annoyed because she really didn't love either of them. Her heart belonged to Tom Cruise but he was not here to buy it and he had gone a little of the rocker. So she had to settle for these two.

"Ok!" Christine shrieked in a rare off key voice. Raoul and Erik shut their mouths. "You both can go. But I need you to get rose scented Herbal Essence shampoo."

"I like roses."

"And where will we find this Herbal Essence?" Erik asked.

"The cheapest and fasted place is Wal-Mart. The car keys are on the hook in the kitchen. Now hurry! My hair is dieing!"

The boys ran out. "It'll be ok, Christine! I'll save your chocolate curls!" Erik called as he left the room.

* * *

They got into the Cadillac. Raoul was the one who got to drive. They had to play rock paper scissors to get to pick who got to drive. Raoul won with the tricky paper. But we all know that game is a bunch of bullshit because there is no way paper can beat rock.

Since Raoul was driving, Erik got to control the radio. His favorite song, We Fly High by Jim Jones, came on. Erik began to sing.

"We fly high. No lie, you know this."

"Ballin'!" Raoul sand along.

"Foreign rides, outside, its like showbiz."

"We stay fly. No lie, you know this. Ballin! Hips and thighs. Stay focused!" they sang together. And for one beautiful moment they forgot that they were enemies and that they were driving. Thankfully that moment ended because they almost ran over a poor little squirrel. Raoul slammed on the brakes and let is cross the street safely. They went back driving and singing.

"Slow Down. Here tonight could be gone tommorow."

"One chance!"

"So I speed through life like there's not tomorrow."

"Speedin'."

"Look out!"

"Flossy!"

"No, I mean look out you dumb fuck!"

"Oh!" Roual exclaimed. They were about to run over an old lady. He swerved out of the way just in time.

"You douche bags! Watch where you're going!" she yelled at them. Erik leaned out the window and gave her the finger.

"Stupid hoe, she don't know what's up, yo."

"Yeah, fuck haters."

* * *

They reached Walmart. They were a little startled, yet mistified, by the automatic doors. Once they got inside, they felt even more confused. It was so big and there were so many things. How were they going to find any shampoo for Chirtine's beautiful choclately curls?

"Aw fuck," Erik siad. "What did we get ourselves into?"

* * *

**And that's all. This will be a three part story or maybe four. I know, it's stupid. But it's a story for my beta, who I love very much. I hope you enjoyed it. Flames are accpeted too. There is nothing you can say to make me feel offended, they make me laugh. Thanks for reading and or reviewing.**

**With Love,**

**CT**


	2. Act the Second

**Wow I made it to a second chapter. Only two more after this one! I made a mistake in the last chapter. I got the numbers of my beta's pen name messed up. It's 92. So sorry Doll, I screwed up. Please forgive me! This chapter is way stranger then the last. Are you ready for it?**

* * *

They looked around feeling utterly amazed at the vastness of the store. "Maybe we should split up. It'll make it easier to find this Herbal Essence," Erik said.

"Yes, I concur. That sounds most logical." Raoul and the phantom split up and began their quest for the Herbal Essence.

* * *

"Why is it so cold?" Raoul asked himself. He pushed his cart along the aisle, pondering why you would store boxes in a giant glass case. Curiosity got the best of him and Raoul pulled on the cool metal handle. A small gust of frigid air came out. He shivered.

"What the fuck is this?" Raoul took out a TV dinner and examined it closely.

"It's food," a loyal Wal-Mart customer told him.

"No, it's a box."

"There is food in that box."

"Really?" Raoul examined it closer. Kids Cuisine was printed in bright colored letters on front. There was also a bad ass looking penguin. He amused Raoul. He amused him very much. "That's fascinating. Who ever would have thought of that?"

The other customer looked at him feeling rather confused. "Yes," she said slowly. "Have you never seen a TV dinner before?"

"No, but it sounds divine. I think I will take it so I can partake of this later," said Raoul as she tried to find a pocket or something big enough to hold it.

"If you are going to buy it, then you put it in your cart."

"Buy?" questioned Raoul. "Oh, right. I suppose I should do that." He dropped the box into the blue plastic cart. "Thank you, good lady." The Wal-Mart patronage watched Raoul walk away.

"Wal-Mart gets the strangest customers," she thought, shaking her head.

* * *

Meanwhile, Erik found himself surrounded by fluffy and creepy, looking animals. They would never blink. "What kind of sore sells dead animals?" He picked up a pink rabbit. It was soft and squishy. Erik thought it would make a lovely present for his beloved Christine. Perhaps if he brought back this cute little critter along with the shampoo that she oh so desired, then she would chose him and through Raoul out like a flem filled Kleenex for sure.

Erik made a move to hide the animal in his cloak, but then he realized he wasn't wearing one. "Oh no!" he thought frantically, "I'm not decent!" Erik looked around suspiciously. One guy, a very fat guy, stopped to look at Erik. He was wondering why Erik was acting so strange. "Is there something wrong?" he asked.

"Stop looking at me like that you pervert!" Erik exclaimed. He bitch slapped the chubby man. "I may be a very attractive person, but don't look at me like I am a piece of meat! Don't you even dare think about touching me either! That privilege belongs to Christine and Christine only!" Erik studied him in a glare. "And go buy a corset or something! You man boobs are sagging!"

Erik pushed his car right past the man with his nose in the air. The poor fellow looked down on his man titties. "They don't sag that much," he said in trying to reassure himself.

The pink plush bunny was put into the cart once Erik saw other people do the same with their items. Erik had made it into the personal needs aisles. He was so close to finding the shampoo; he could feel it in his bones. But Erik was in the wrong aisle. He was in the aisle that no man should ever have to go in unless it's completely necessary. Erik picked up a pink floral box.

"Tampons," he read out loud. "Hm, that sounds like it may be a tasty snack. It sounds foreign." He dropped the box into his cart, feeling rather proud of himself for supplying his household with food.

A teenage girl was staring at him. "What is this guy doing in the aisle of forbidness unless it was a complete emergency?" she thought. Erik stared back at her.

"Why does everyone keep looking at me like that!" he screamed pushing his cart at top speed.

He was going so fast that he nearly ran over someone. He swerved in an attempt to miss her, but he knocked her over along with his cart.

"You homo, look what you did!" The person who was scolding him looked too familiar. Then he realized who it was. It was the old lady that he and Raoul nearly ran over. She must have recognized him too because she said, "Hey, you're the stupid mother fucker that nearly killed me earlier this morning!"

"Pardon me Madame," Erik said. "But I believe that you were the stupid mother fucker that got in the way of my sweet ass Cadillac. Now if you would excuse me, I have to go buy shampoo for my beloved." Erik set the cart up right, put the stuffed animal in, and was about to grab his box of tampons when the old lady snatched them from him. "Hey, those are mine!"

"You aren't getting these back until you apologize for nearly killing me twice."

"Like Hell!" Erik dove at the old lady, but she stepped aside and ran away with her cat filled with Petroleum Jelly and ice. Erik picked himself off the rather dirty floor and took off after her with his cart.

"Give me back my tampons!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

They made it to the clothing department and it looked like nothing could stop the crazy old woman

"Boo!" Some one jumped out of a clothes rack and scared the old hag. She screamed and fell to the floor, clutching her heart.

"Raoul, what re you doing here?"

"I saw you chasing her so I though I should stop her."

"Thanks. She stole my tampons."

"That whore."

"I know. What should we do with her body?" Erik and Raoul looked at the wrinkled body. They decided just to sit her up in the center of a circular clothes rack. "That should work."

"Yeah, now let's go get that Herbal Essence."

On hearing that they need help finding something, an employee of Wal-Mart popped up and asked with a huge and fake smile said, "Hi, my name is Greg. How may I help you?"

"We don't need help. We're fine," Raoul said. They began to walk away. They heard some fallowing. Erick and Raoul swiftly turned around. It was Greg.

"How may I help you?"

"We don't need any help." They tried to escape Greg, but he fallowed them.

"How may I help you?"

"We don't need any!" They began to run. Greg fallowed them at the speed of a ninja. And that is pretty speedy.

"How may I help you?" Greg yelled.

"We don't need any!"

"Stay away from us, you pillow biter!" Erik yelled back to Greg.

* * *

**Will they ever find the shampoo? Will they escape the very creepy Wal-Mart employee? Will they even make it out alive? Who knows? We'll find out soon. Feel free to review or flame. Thanks for reading!**

**With Love,**

**CT**


	3. Act the Third

**Oh wow, who would have thought I would get this much positive reviews? This amuses me. Thank you to all of the people who reviewed. Sadly tomorrow will be the last chapter. I know, it sucks, but I have another little story kind of like this that I am thinking about writing. I'll see how this goes over. Now let's get on with the story.**

* * *

Erik and Raoul were able to escape the crazed Wal-Mart employee. They concocted a brilliant plan. They had him fallow them to where the bathroom facilities are, but has he caught up with them, they shoved the cheery boy into the women's bathroom. Of course this may seem like an easy place to escape from, but if you think about it, it's not. Especially when the room is filled with a bunch of assertive women who would beat his ass on account of they thought he was a pervert who just wanted to see something.

Raoul and Erik were able to walk free while the employee guy got pummeled by purses. They found themselves in the food aisles again. "Maybe we shouldn't split up," Raoul said. "Just in case if he comes back we can fight him off."

"Yes," Erik agreed. "He might try to rape us, especially me. I saw something like this on a Life Time movie once."

They passed a stand that had little mini sausages on it. A very attractive lady with large breast that were falling out of her shirt was advertising them. "Would you like to try a sample?" she asked.

Raoul gawked at her for a minute before he realized what she said. "Ok."

"Wait," said Erik, pulling him back. "What if she tries to rape us too?"

"You can't rape the willing."

"But what about Christine?" Erik thought this whole situation over. "Never mind. You can have her. I'll keep Christine."

Raoul walked over to the counter with the big boobed lady. "Sure, I'll try one," he said. His eyes never left her chest. "I like wieners." The faux blonde covered her mouth to hide her laughter.

"I bet you do."

"After a few seconds, Raoul understood it. "Wait, no! I'm not like that, I swear! God, all I needed to do was get that rose Herbal Essence shampoo but everything that can possibly go wrong has gone wrong!"

"Um, sure."

He realized he said the last bit out loud. "God fucking damn it! Why can I not ever say a soliloquy right?"

"Why don't you take you weirder and your boyfriend away and find you shampoo. You're scaring away potential customers."

Raoul looked back at Erik. "He's not my boyfriend!" he exclaimed. "We're not gay!"

"That's not what you were saying last night."

"Erik!"

"I'm just having some fun."

"But don't lie to her! He's lying, I swear on my mother's grave he is!"

"Ok," said the blonde. She put her hands as a symbol for Raoul to shut up before he scared away more people or embarrassed himself anymore. "You have to go now. You're holding up the line."

As they left the long line of men, Erik grabbed five samples. "Hey, you're only supposed to take one!"

"Fuck you bitch," Erik retorted. "I'm sure you'll be shoving more wieners into your mouth tonight. You can spare these, you hoe."

"That was not very nice," Raoul said as they tired to find the shampoo again.

"You're just being a pussy. That hoe probably get is a lot. Anyways, she deserves if after telling me, the very awesome me, that I can only have one small sample."

"But that the rules."

"Fuck rules. I'm going to become an anarchist."

* * *

Eventually they did find the shampoo. They only problem they were facing now were to find the exact sent and brand that the beauteous, and some times bitchy, Christine wanted.

There were rows upon rows of different shampoos. They all had different scents and they all had different names. This could be very hard for two men to find a rose scented shampoo. It was especially hard for them when they to be constantly watching their back for more queerish employees of Wal-Mart.

"Where the fuck is it?" Raoul asked.

"Wait, I think I see it!"

"Where?"

Erik pointed to a pinkish red bottle at the top of a very high shelf. "How are we supposed to get that?" asked Raoul.

"I don't know."

Raoul began to break down. "What if we can't reach it? What if we die trying?"

"I know, I've already thought about it. That's why I'm sending you to get it."

A weeping Raoul wailed louder. "Maybe we should just five up. It's not that worth it. We will get her another scent or something. She will be fine without having her chocolate hair smell like roses. What am I saying? This is Christine I am talking about! She only deserves the best! But I don't want to die! I'm far too young to leave this world, as horrible as this world may be! I don't want to die!"

Erik slapped him. "Get a hold of yourself, boy! We have to complete this mission no matter the costs. We have to do if for the lovely Christine! Our lives, especially yours, does not compare to Christine's! We can not fail!"

"You're right," Raoul said, sniffling. He wiped his tears. "We have to try. We have to for Christine's sake."

They made a plan to get he shampoo. Raoul would climb up and get it. If he fell, Erik would attempt to catch him.

With much struggle, they triumphed. Raoul kept slipping and knocking down bottle of shampoo. The soapy contents spilled out to the floor until it was nearly covered. Erik was having trouble standing up. He had nearly spilled twice. But they finally beat Wal-Mart and it's fucking gay shelves. There was only one bottle left of rose Herbal Essence.

A battle cry filled the air. Erik and Raoul looked around, trying to find the source of the god-awful noise. Raoul was frozen in place, his hand reaching for the lone rose-colored bottle. He was about to grab it when a black blur flew across the selves at an incredible speed.

"Oh my God! It's a ninja!' Erik exclaimed.

It stopped at the one with the shampoo and took the bottle before they could even take in what was going on.

"No! Give it back!"

The thief was dressed in a heavy dark green cloak. It removed the hood that was covering its face.

"It's the old lady whore!" Erik yelled. The old woman who they thought was dead and still in the clothing department began to cackle. She jumped from top to top of each shelf. "She's getting away! We have to stop her!

* * *

**Oh my God! Will they be able to get the shampoo back for Christine? Who knows? Besides me, yes I do know what is going to happen in the end for once. Tomorrow will be the conclusion of Erik and Raoul VS Wal-Mart: The Epic Battle. I would also like to give thanks to for reminding me about that there is samples occasionally at Wal-Mart. Thanks for reading and, or, reviewing.**

**With Love,**

**CT**

**P.S. Happy Valentines Day!**


	4. Act the Fourth

**I'm sorry for not updating earlier. Sadly, this is the last chapter. I know, I know, it sucks. But we will have to move on. Let's begin!

* * *

**

"Catch that hoe!" Erik shouted. He and Raoul dashed after the crazy old bitch that stole the shampoo that rightfully belonged to Christine.

"Why does she need it anyways?" asked Raoul. "It's not like she can do anything with that puffy old hair."

"Like, I know. It's so gross and old. It doesn't compare to Christine's chocolaty curls of deliciousness. Hers is more like tapioca pudding."

The old were getting closer and closer to the check out. She had already made it back to the foods. That is pretty fast for an old lady, but she's a ninja old lady so in a way it does make sense. Erik jumped into his cart and ordered Raoul to push him towards the old ninja lady. When Raoul asked why, Erik responded, "Because I said so, yo! Now mush!"

Raoul pushed with all his might. The cart Erik was in flew across the floor. He grabbed a wine bottle as they went through the food section. When they got close enough, Erik hit the person who had stolen his shampoo on the back of the head, shattering the glass. The powdered hair woman fell forward and was run over bu the moving blue cart. Raoul, who was riding on the back of the cart, grabbed the bottle from her limp hand. "Got it!"

"Good, now let's go to the check out!"

* * *

They carried out the rest of their journey in a saunter because they were cool enough to do so. Erik had to be forced out of the cart because Raoul said he was too heavy. Erik slapped him for calling him fat.

As they sauntered along, Erik saw someone passing out yellow smiley face balloons. Erik gasped. "I must get one of those!"

Raoul grabbed his arm so could move no further. "Look who is giving them away. It's Greg." Greg noticed the pair staring at him. He smiled and waved.

Erik shuttered. "But I want one! I'll just get one quick before he can do anything."

"No, Erik, it's not worth is. Let's just get out of here," Raoul said as he pulled Erik away. Erik drug his feet and began to throw a tantrum.

"No! I want a balloon!" he screamed, kicking wildly. Raoul was so busy trying to keep Erik quiet; he did not notice Greg was coming towards them.

"Would you like a balloon?

"Now look what horrid fate you have brought on us," Raoul sneered. That did not bother Erik in the least. He happily took the balloon and said, "Thanks, now leave us alone you faggot."

"Ok!"

"And you were worried for nothing. I'm not going to share my balloon with you now."

"You dirty hoe bag."

"Jealousy speaks for you."

"Whatever, let's just get out of here."

* * *

They went through the check out like they saw other people do. "That will be 25."

"Twenty-five what?" asked Erik.

"Twenty five dollars." Erik and Raoul looked at each other. In all their rush to save Christine and her hair and win her love, they had forgotten the mother fucking money.

"Do you have any money?"

"Maybe."

"If you don't have enough I will have to put these back." She grabbed the floral tampon box, but Erik stopped her.

"No! Not my tampons! I love them; do not separate us for the love of God! They are almost like my children… my foster children!"

"Ok," she said feeling confused. She put them back down. "So do you have money or not?"

"Uh, yes," Erik said slowly. "Just one moment. Let me reach into my pocket and get that sum of money."

"Yes," Raoul said. While Erik pulled something out his pocket. It was his Punjab! And he used this to attack the girl who asked him for the money.

"Hurry!" Erik exclaimed. "We need to get out of here!"

They ran out of building being chased by Wal-Mart employees who were caring pitchforks. "Aw, fuck," said Raoul. "Let's get out of here!"

"Yes, back home to Christine!"

* * *

Raoul and Erik did make it back alive, but hardly. They rushed into the doorway, Erik holding the bottle. No, they weren't going to do it together like Harry Potter wanted to with Cedric in the fourth Harry Potter book because they were afraid that Voldermort would come and kill one of them. "Christine, we're home! And I brought your shampoo!"

"No, it was I Christine that brought the shampoo!"

"No it wasn't! I'm the one holding the bottle!"

"No he isn't! He is lying!"

They were playing tug or war with the bottle when Christine came in. Her hair was all nice and curly again. "What happened to you hair?"

"Yeah, why isn't all limp, yo?"

"While you guys were gone, I had someone else get some shampoo for me because you were taking so long. He heard me screaming and lent me a bottle of his. After I fixed my hair, we talked. We hit it off well and I decided that we are in love."

"What?" Erik and Raoul asked in unison. "Who is it?"

A man walked through the doorway. "Guys, meet my new lover, Bill Cosby."

The guys blinked. "Christine how could you!" Erik exclaimed. "After all that I have done for you!"

"Fuck this," Raoul said. "I'm getting me a hooker." Raoul left the house while Erik began to cry. Christine and Bill watched in confusion.

"Let's have some Jell-O!" Mr. Cosby said.

"Yay!" Erik jumped, instantly perking up. They went to the kitchen, but as Christine walked through the door, Bill Cosby shut the door on her.

"Why'd you do that?"

"You don't get any."

"Why?"

"Because you made Erik cry! No one makes Erik cry you heartless bitch!" Bill Cosby said. Erik stuck his tongue out at Christine and went into the kitchen to get some Jell-O.

* * *

**The End! Who would have thought? I don't even know. So what do you think? Sadly, the story is over. But I was thinking about a new story when Erik gets a My Space or something. Tell me what you think and I might start on it. Thanks for reading and, or, reviewing!**

**With Love,**

**CT**


End file.
